Chizuru, I need you to be a lot more specific about how you fucked up. I'm flying blind in this conversation. I need details or I'm useless. I hate being useless. You know that.
[ Someone might call that being manipulative, but it really has no idea what happened. What Chizuru might rightfully have fucked up versus what's just relationships not working out versus what's Jinx fucking up versus whatever the fuck else. It's Trench. There's Trench bullshit. There could be anything! ]
[ There we go, at least an explanation is starting to form now. Even if some may call it being manipulative - it does work. Nothing quite produces results with Chizuru than the fear of letting other people down, or making them feel bad.
She's already done enough bad. ]
because a friend of mine showed me messages on the network where she was saying things that were
[ There's a pause, and the typing idication icon flickers. ]
things that scared me or made me feel bad maybe it just did not feel right to see them she spoke of terrible violence in such a fond way like she was enjoying it
i was not sure what to think about it so i went to ask her about those messages why she sent them
at first she did not seem to understand when i was asking then when she seemed to understand she told me she was just like that that she was a monster and that i should know that even though i did not think she was a monster at all
then she seemed to get mad that i was focusing on that and not all the good she had done
and i guess she was right i should not be so critical of the people i care for i should never have brought it up
Chizuru, you have the right to be critical of the people you care about. That's a sign you care about them. In fact, that's why I'm being critical of you in this very moment.
[ Murderbot needs a moment to dry heave. It hopes Chizuru doesn't get so caught up in the 'being criticized' part to miss the 'care about' part. That was painful to write. It's painful to read. It's painful to let it sit there, but Murderbot knows if it isn't explicit, Chizuru will shut down. Yes, it is pulling lines from its media collection. Shut up. ]
Jinx has done some terrible things. I know because I experienced part of her memory. She tied up her father figure, her sister, and the person she thought was her sister's girlfriend. Then she demanded Vi shoot that person so they could be together. That's a terrible thing to do.
[ Sort of like how killing Jinx is Not Great, even if it was only in a memory. ]
Also, per what I remember of MedUnit protocols is a sign she's traumatized and needs help. It doesn't excuse it. It explains it. I don't know. You could ask Vi for more info. If you want. She knows more. She's not... neutral. Jinx is her sister. But she's more neutral than Jinx.
You also don't have to give a damn. Bye Jinx bye.
What you shouldn't do, Chizuru, is shut down your own needs in favor of other people's needs. That's like cutting out your own organs. You do that, I stuff you in the cubicle. Don't make me stuff you in the cubicle.
At first it seems like Chizuru may not send anything at all. Like maybe she really did shut down, or something like that.
It seems like the pause was instead her reading and re-reading and thinking for a long while though, since she does send an answer, even if it's incredibly delayed. ]
then what should i do
i do not know what to do
it just hurts
i feel so guilty and i do not know how to make it stop
Chizuru, you feel responsible for everyone's emotional well being. When anyone is emotionally unwell, especially anyone you care about, you feel guilty. You feel guilty until they are okay. The problem is people are people, and they will always have problems and times they are not okay.
Long term, you need to separate you (Chizuru) and other people's well being. Which, I'm not a therapist. We're crew. We're on the same crew. That's what I'd call it back home. I'm here for you. I'll give you the best advice I have.
[ Even if it's from media. ]
You work on it. You try.
There's something a therapist once told me about feelings and strong feelings. There's nothing wrong with the feeling itself. So don't feel guilty about feeling guilty. Instead, you have to separate yourself from your emotion. Observe it. Imagine you're lying down somewhere you really like and watching the sky. You watch clouds float by. Those clouds are your emotions. You can imagine them however you want. Big and fluffy. Dark and sparking. They're there. They aren't you. You watch them.
Can you do that Chizuru? Every day. For... half an hour?
[ Fictional therapist, please do not let Murderbot down. ]
[ But the answer is never that simple, is it. Sure, Chizuru does mean what she's saying here. Despite the fact that she's still very much feeling upset, she read the other's answer seriously, actually listening to it.
But as she's thinking about it, one other thought comes to mind.
(Of course it does. This is Chizuru, after all.) ]
but does that mean i would have to stop caring about other people ?
[ Because she can't do that.
Even aside from whether it's possible, there's the matter of the very thought feeling so cruel to her. ]
And no, it does not mean you stop caring. It means you can care more effectively because the strong emotions that get in your way stop getting in your way. Caring isn't a cloud. It's the air or the ground you're on or something. IDK, the therapist isn't here to ask.
Pretty sure it's that kind of philosophical thing that's super complicated when you don't get it, but to the pros is super simple that finger moon shit I don't get
It's not an overnight thing. We're all prone to certain things. We can't always make them go away entirely. But we can manage them. Make them less bad.
[ Murderbot hates talking about emotions. It's not the one people go to about emotions. ]
Is there anything you usually do to feel less bad?
Because she's pretty sure it isn't going to accept 'working even harder at helping other people' as an answer here.. probably.. So Chizuru is looking for an alternative that's also true, even though it requires quite a bit more digging inside her own mind. ]
spending time with my friends usually makes me feel a little better
But at least she's pretty sure it wouldn't be offering if it truly minded it - which is why she's saying 'alright' first, instead of just asking whether it minds. ]
can i come by right now ?
[ She doesn't know if it was in the middle of something, after all..
And let's be real - Chizuru is the least likely person to ever expect anyone to drop everything for her. ]
I don't mind. I enjoy watching media. Watching it together reduces corruption, which makes it even better.
Yes now. I'm here. I'm... almost always here.
[ Murderbot's not in the middle of running an event or committed with time to another person, so that makes it a fine time. It could probably even work on its playlists for the Silent Disco in the background because it's used to multiple inputs, and that will help calm its nerves in case Chizuru brings up Jinx. Even the idea she might. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Which leaves the girl quiet for a few moments, not sending anything back just yet.
But then another reply from her arrives. ]
i do not know about that anymore
i thought i was doing my best for all my friends
but i really messed up this time
[ And if she has now, couldn't that just happen all over again?
She's probably not even aware of how vague she's being here. It hurts too much for Chizuru to really properly think about any of this. ]
no subject
[ Someone might call that being manipulative, but it really has no idea what happened. What Chizuru might rightfully have fucked up versus what's just relationships not working out versus what's Jinx fucking up versus whatever the fuck else. It's Trench. There's Trench bullshit. There could be anything! ]
no subject
[ There we go, at least an explanation is starting to form now. Even if some may call it being manipulative - it does work. Nothing quite produces results with Chizuru than the fear of letting other people down, or making them feel bad.
She's already done enough bad. ]
because a friend of mine showed me messages on the network where she was saying things that were
[ There's a pause, and the typing idication icon flickers. ]
things that scared me
or made me feel bad maybe
it just did not feel right to see them
she spoke of terrible violence in such a fond way
like she was enjoying it
i was not sure what to think about it so i went to ask her about those messages
why she sent them
no subject
no subject
then when she seemed to understand she told me she was just like that
that she was a monster and that i should know that
even though i did not think she was a monster at all
then she seemed to get mad that i was focusing on that and not all the good she had done
and i guess she was right
i should not be so critical of the people i care for
i should never have brought it up
no subject
[ Murderbot needs a moment to dry heave. It hopes Chizuru doesn't get so caught up in the 'being criticized' part to miss the 'care about' part. That was painful to write. It's painful to read. It's painful to let it sit there, but Murderbot knows if it isn't explicit, Chizuru will shut down. Yes, it is pulling lines from its media collection. Shut up. ]
Jinx has done some terrible things. I know because I experienced part of her memory. She tied up her father figure, her sister, and the person she thought was her sister's girlfriend. Then she demanded Vi shoot that person so they could be together. That's a terrible thing to do.
[ Sort of like how killing Jinx is Not Great, even if it was only in a memory. ]
Also, per what I remember of MedUnit protocols is a sign she's traumatized and needs help. It doesn't excuse it. It explains it. I don't know. You could ask Vi for more info. If you want. She knows more. She's not... neutral. Jinx is her sister. But she's more neutral than Jinx.
You also don't have to give a damn. Bye Jinx bye.
What you shouldn't do, Chizuru, is shut down your own needs in favor of other people's needs. That's like cutting out your own organs. You do that, I stuff you in the cubicle. Don't make me stuff you in the cubicle.
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At first it seems like Chizuru may not send anything at all. Like maybe she really did shut down, or something like that.
It seems like the pause was instead her reading and re-reading and thinking for a long while though, since she does send an answer, even if it's incredibly delayed. ]
then what should i do
i do not know what to do
it just hurts
i feel so guilty and i do not know how to make it stop
no subject
Long term, you need to separate you (Chizuru) and other people's well being. Which, I'm not a therapist. We're crew. We're on the same crew. That's what I'd call it back home. I'm here for you. I'll give you the best advice I have.
[ Even if it's from media. ]
You work on it. You try.
There's something a therapist once told me about feelings and strong feelings. There's nothing wrong with the feeling itself. So don't feel guilty about feeling guilty. Instead, you have to separate yourself from your emotion. Observe it. Imagine you're lying down somewhere you really like and watching the sky. You watch clouds float by. Those clouds are your emotions. You can imagine them however you want. Big and fluffy. Dark and sparking. They're there. They aren't you. You watch them.
Can you do that Chizuru? Every day. For... half an hour?
[ Fictional therapist, please do not let Murderbot down. ]
no subject
[ But the answer is never that simple, is it. Sure, Chizuru does mean what she's saying here. Despite the fact that she's still very much feeling upset, she read the other's answer seriously, actually listening to it.
But as she's thinking about it, one other thought comes to mind.
(Of course it does. This is Chizuru, after all.) ]
but does that mean i would have to stop caring about other people
?
[ Because she can't do that.
Even aside from whether it's possible, there's the matter of the very thought feeling so cruel to her. ]
no subject
And no, it does not mean you stop caring. It means you can care more effectively because the strong emotions that get in your way stop getting in your way. Caring isn't a cloud. It's the air or the ground you're on or something. IDK, the therapist isn't here to ask.
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but that all sounds very complicated
[ Especially to a girl who's never even got to touch the very idea of therapy before - thanks, time period and culture she came from.
To not even speak about Chizuru's own personal circumstances on top of it. ]
i am not sure i will be able to manage any of it
right now i just feel
[ There's a pause, like she's thinking of the right words, but then just settles on the very, very simple: ]
really bad
[ In a way that feels a little too overwhelming to immediately put these complicated new ideas into practice. ]
no subject
that finger moon shit I don't get
It's not an overnight thing.
We're all prone to certain things. We can't always make them go away entirely. But we can manage them. Make them less bad.
[ Murderbot hates talking about emotions. It's not the one people go to about emotions. ]
Is there anything you usually do to feel less bad?
no subject
Because she's pretty sure it isn't going to accept 'working even harder at helping other people' as an answer here.. probably.. So Chizuru is looking for an alternative that's also true, even though it requires quite a bit more digging inside her own mind. ]
spending time with my friends usually makes me feel a little better
[ There we go. Nailed it. ]
no subject
Okay, how about you come by the feed, and we can watch something you like.
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if you are sure you do not mind
[ Sorry, she just.. can't help adding that part..
But at least she's pretty sure it wouldn't be offering if it truly minded it - which is why she's saying 'alright' first, instead of just asking whether it minds. ]
can i come by right now
?
[ She doesn't know if it was in the middle of something, after all..
And let's be real - Chizuru is the least likely person to ever expect anyone to drop everything for her. ]
no subject
Yes now. I'm here. I'm... almost always here.
[ Murderbot's not in the middle of running an event or committed with time to another person, so that makes it a fine time. It could probably even work on its playlists for the Silent Disco in the background because it's used to multiple inputs, and that will help calm its nerves in case Chizuru brings up Jinx. Even the idea she might. ]
no subject
[ It says it doesn't mind. And it's there already, so it's not like Chizuru would be making it come over there just for her..
.. even though she tries to justify it to herself, she still feels a little guilty. She just can't help it. But-- ]
i will be there soon then
[ She'll come over anyway. ]